Love-hate state. Up late

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I have heaps to say about the newly changing walls that make up the music scene in my life. The walls are falling. Like dominos. Like musical dominos. 

But i’m saving it for another day. Not now in my up late, state, of love-hate. what. Yes. I’m getting to it. Loving and hating my life. Yep. There it’s out. Not like a whisper. But sharper, more pointy edged. If i throw my mind back i always used to experience life in linear lines literally. Like patches of happiness and small dark corners of sadness that crept up unexpectedly from the shadows. then Year 12 happened. And my life has become a series of peaks. Like irregular heartbeats making their presence known on the heart-reader… Like sharp peaks of happiness at what? 

At people speaking French loudly on the bus, when cats cuddle, when the sun shines in Melbourne, when people smile at me, when people open their mouths and say something nice…when people do things. That surprise. delight. Make music. Dance. Write something that touches, lifts, moves you. when i read poetry. When i find Sushi for $1.5 in the city…  when i can jump in bed and fall asleep in a second.. when when when… and then the peaks fall so dramatically that i’m falling. Falling deeper than before. No straight lines. It’s jagged like running madly on the beach.

Whirlwind. Storm of emotion. It’s raining happiness and hailing sorrow.

And what do i do? Try to recall the happinesses (in plural) when the sadness gets too deep. Counter-attack. Ah fak it. Life is too complicated. As soon as i thought i got it..

boom. It’s no longer familiar any more. Well.. it’s late. What a state.

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